Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
In other news, I just burned my penis
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
