Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
