3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I have feelings that need drinking.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
