dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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