Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
