um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
