nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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