in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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