just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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