apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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