that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize