It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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