Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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