I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
