put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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