Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
