i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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