Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
