My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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