Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
