so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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