You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
