whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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