I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
