He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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