Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
