Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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