oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
