I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
