The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
