What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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