The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
