I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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