none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize