Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
