i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
