When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Boobs speak an international language.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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