8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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