threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
