I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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