I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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