Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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