I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
