Cold hands, warm shart.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
