They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
