No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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