Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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