Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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