"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
