Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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