I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
