I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
