I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
