I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize