I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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