So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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