okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
