when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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