So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
